Journey of a Japanoodle

Japanese culture is also very "interesting", by which I mean confusing, and in several cases, dangerous. Their culture is based on the concept of "In Group/Out Group", in which all Japanese people are one big "In" group, and you are the "Out" group. Besides instilling this sense of alienation, Japan also produces cartoons and a wide variety of consumer products which are crammed into your face 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The Japanese also like cock fighting monsters that live in your pants, taking baths with the elderly, and killing themselves in fancy ways.

Japanese food is what some people would call "exotic", but what most people call "disgusting", or perhaps, in some areas, "whack". Japanese food evolved from back in ancient days, when the main staple of the diet was rice. People got so sick and tired of eating rice, in fact, that they ate just about anything else they could find, from seaweed to other Japanese people. This led to the creation of such wonderful foods as "Natto", which I believe is a kind of bean but tastes like battery acid, and "Pocky", which is a stick with different frostings on it, the flavours of which include Sawdust and Strawberry. (There is Men's and Women's Pocky. Everyone knows there is no goddamned difference, but people still feel weird buying the "wrong" kind, anyway.)

Despite this variety of foods, however, the Japanese have succeeded in making every single thing they eat, from tea to plums, taste like smokey beef.


(to be continued)

Journey of a Japanoodle

When most Americans think of Japanese people, they think: polite, respectful, accommodating. (They could also possibly think: Chinese. If you haven't noticed, Americans are idiots, and can't tell 3/4 of the globe apart from one another). However, it is important to learn where the truth ends and where our Western stereotyping begins. Of course, it would be irresponsible to make any sweeping generalizations about such a large group of people, but ALL Japanese people have these three characteristics: they "speak" English, they dress very nicely, and they're short.

The Japanese school system is controlled by Japan's central government, which, of course, is not biased in any way (recent Japanese history textbook title: "White Demons Attempt To Take Away Our Holy Motherland With No Proper Reason Whatsoever, But Great And Powerful Father-Emperor Deflects Them With Winds From God: The Story Of WWII"). Because of this, all Japanese have been taught the same English-language course, which consists of reading The Canterbury Tales, watching several episodes of M*A*S*H, and reading the English dictionary from cover to cover. Armed with this extensive language knowledge, the children of Japan emerge from school ready to take part in international business and affairs, uttering such remarkable and memorable sentences as "You have no chance to survive make your time", and adding to their own products by inscribing English slogans, such as "Just give this a Paul. It may be the Paul of your life" on the side of a slot machine.

Secondly, all Japanese people dress extremely well. This fits in with the larger Japanese attitude of neatness and order. Everything has to be in its correct place with the Japanese, or a small section in the right lobe of their brain begins to have seizures and they exhibit erratic violent behaviour until the messiness is eradicated. The Japanese even FOLD THEIR DIRTY CLOTHES (I swear). Sloppiness is not tolerated in Japanese society, and someone with a small wrinkle in their shirt, one that maybe they thought they could hide by wearing a hooded sweatshirt over it (possibly emblazoned with a catchy English phrase like "Spread Beaver, Violence Jack-Off!"), will be promptly beaten to death with tiny cellphones with tons of crap hanging off them.

Lastly, the Japanese are all short. Really, really short. Not ones to leave being tall to the Europeans or Africans, however, the Japanese have single-handedly brought shoes with incredibly gigantic soles into style so that they can finally appear to be of actual human height, when in reality their height suggests that they may indeed be closer in relation to the race of dwarves or Hobbits. Then again, they make up for it with their crane-game technology, light-years beyond our own.


(to be continued)

Journey of a Japanoodle

Politeness Levels

Politeness levels have their root in an ancient Japanese tradition of absolute obedience and conformity, a social caste system, and complete respect for arbitrary hierarchical authority, which many American companies believe will be very helpful when applied as managerial techniques. They're right, of course, but no one is very happy about it.

Depending on who you are speaking to, your politeness level will be very different. The correct level of politeness depends on the age of the speaker, age of the person being spoken to, astrological sign, blood type, sex, whether they are Grass or Rock Pokémon type, color of pants, and so on. For a taste of politeness levels in action, see the example below.

Japanese Teacher: Good morning, Harry.
Harry: Good morning.
Japanese Classmates: *gasps of horror and shock*

The above would most likely be followed by violent retching. The bottom line is that politeness levels are completely beyond your understanding, so don't even try. Just resign yourself to talking like a little girl for the rest of your life and hope to God that no one beats you up.

Grammatical Structure

The Japanese have what could be called an "interesting" grammatical structure, but could also be called "confusing", "random", "bogus" or "evil". To truly understand this, let's examine the differences between Japanese and English grammar.

English sentence: Jane went to the school.

Same sentence in Japanese: School Jane To Went Monkey Apple Carbeurator.

Japanese grammar is not for the faint of heart or weak of mind. What's more, the Japanese also do not have any words for "me", "them", "him, or "her" that anyone could use without being incredibly insulting (the Japanese word for "you", for example, when written in Kanji, translates to "I hope an elephant tramples your face"). Because of this, the sentence "He just killed her!" and "I just killed her!" sound exactly the same, meaning that most people in Japan have no idea what is going on around them at any given moment. You are supposed to figure these things out from the "context", which is a German word meaning "you're screwed".


(to be continued)

Thinking Cap: ON

A madman who has threatened to explode several bombs in crowded areas has been apprehended. Unfortunately, he has already planted the bombs and they are scheduled to go off in a short time. It is possible that hundreds of people may die. The authorities cannot make him divulge the location of the bombs by conventional methods. He refuses to say anything and requests a lawyer to protect his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. In exasperation, some high level official suggests torture. This would be illegal, of course, but the official thinks that it is nevertheless the right thing to do in this desperate situation.
Do you agree? If you do, would it also be morally justifiable to torture the mad bomber’s innocent wife if that is the only way to make him talk? Why?