Despite what many language books, friends, or online tutorials may have told you, Japanese is NOT simple, fun, or rational (Japanese vocabulary is determined by throwing tiny pieces of sushi at a dart board with several random numbers attached to it. The numbers are then fed into a machine. The machine is then destroyed). The Japanese spread these rumours to draw foolish Gaijin into their efficient clutches.
Not only is it not simple, it's probably one of the hardest languages you could ever want to learn. With three completely different written languages (none of which make sense), a multitude of useless, confusing politeness levels, and an absolutely insane grammatical structure, Japanese has been crushing the souls of the pathetic Gaijin since the very first Jesuit priests washed ashore there on a raft made of bibles.
The Japanese Writing System
The Japanese writing system is broken down into three separate, autonomous, insane parts: Hiragana ("those squiggly letters"), Katakana ("those boxy letters") and Kanji ("roughly 4 million embodiments of your worst nightmares").
Hiragana is used to spell out Japanese words using syllables. It consists of many letters, all of which look completely different and bear absolutely no resemblance to each other whatsoever. Hiragana were developed by a group blind, deaf, and dumb Japanese people who scribbled things on pieces of paper while having no idea why they were doing so. The resulting designs were then called "Hiaragana", and were used to predict the future. The prince who invented these characters, Yorimushi ("stinking monkey-bush-donkey") was promptly bludgeoned to death. But don't worry, because as your teachers will tell you, you'll hardly use Hiragana in "real life".
Katakana are used only to spell out foreign words in a thick, crippling Japanese accent, so that you'll have no idea what you're saying even though it's in English. However, if you remember one simple rule for Katakana, you'll find reading Japanese much easier: whenever something is written in Katakana, it's an English word! (note: Katakana is also used for non-English foreign words. And sound effects, and Japanese words). Katakana all look exactly the same, and it's impossible, even for Japanese people to tell them apart. They kind of look like the number 9, except straighter. No need to worry though, because you'll hardly ever have to read Katakana in "real life".
Kanji are letters that were stolen from China. Every time the Japanese invaded China (which was very often) they'd just take a few more letters, so now they have an estimated 400 gazillion of them. Kanji each consist of several "strokes", which must be written in a specific order or Japanese people will laugh at you. Each character conveys a specific meaning, like "horse" (note that the character for horse could also mean "car". Or "police officer". Or "Didacticism"). Kanji can also be combined to form new words. For example, if you combine the Kanji for "small", and "woman", you get the word "carburetor". Kanji also have different pronunciations depending on where they are in the word, how old you are, and what day it is. When European settlers first came upon Japan, Japanese scholars suggested that Europe adopt the Japanese written language as a "universal" language understood by all parties. This was the cause of World War II several years later. Don't worry, as most Japanese gave up on reading a long, long time ago, and now spend most of their time playing Pokémon, you'll never have to use kanji in "real life".
Hiragana is used to spell out Japanese words using syllables. It consists of many letters, all of which look completely different and bear absolutely no resemblance to each other whatsoever. Hiragana were developed by a group blind, deaf, and dumb Japanese people who scribbled things on pieces of paper while having no idea why they were doing so. The resulting designs were then called "Hiaragana", and were used to predict the future. The prince who invented these characters, Yorimushi ("stinking monkey-bush-donkey") was promptly bludgeoned to death. But don't worry, because as your teachers will tell you, you'll hardly use Hiragana in "real life".
Katakana are used only to spell out foreign words in a thick, crippling Japanese accent, so that you'll have no idea what you're saying even though it's in English. However, if you remember one simple rule for Katakana, you'll find reading Japanese much easier: whenever something is written in Katakana, it's an English word! (note: Katakana is also used for non-English foreign words. And sound effects, and Japanese words). Katakana all look exactly the same, and it's impossible, even for Japanese people to tell them apart. They kind of look like the number 9, except straighter. No need to worry though, because you'll hardly ever have to read Katakana in "real life".
Kanji are letters that were stolen from China. Every time the Japanese invaded China (which was very often) they'd just take a few more letters, so now they have an estimated 400 gazillion of them. Kanji each consist of several "strokes", which must be written in a specific order or Japanese people will laugh at you. Each character conveys a specific meaning, like "horse" (note that the character for horse could also mean "car". Or "police officer". Or "Didacticism"). Kanji can also be combined to form new words. For example, if you combine the Kanji for "small", and "woman", you get the word "carburetor". Kanji also have different pronunciations depending on where they are in the word, how old you are, and what day it is. When European settlers first came upon Japan, Japanese scholars suggested that Europe adopt the Japanese written language as a "universal" language understood by all parties. This was the cause of World War II several years later. Don't worry, as most Japanese gave up on reading a long, long time ago, and now spend most of their time playing Pokémon, you'll never have to use kanji in "real life".
(to be continued)
